Ace Week

It was during Ace Week several years ago while I was still studying at university that I first became aware of asexuality. In the years since, it’s become a part of my identity and this week is an opportunity to raise awareness and understanding of what asexuality is.

What is asexuality?
In short, asexuality is having very little or no sexual attraction to others. Contrary to popular perception, it doesn’t necessarily mean no attraction at all – while the more traditional understanding of asexuality is where someone isn’t attracted to others, more recent ideas focus on two key ideas.

The first of these is the separation of sexual attraction from other types of attraction, such as romantic, aesthetic, sensual, emotional or platonic attraction. People who identify as asexual – or “ace” – usually do not experience sexual feelings in the same way as others, but they can still experience other forms of attraction which don’t necessarily involve sexual feelings, like wanting to touch or hold someone or wanting a romantic relationship. Many asexual people choose to identify not just in terms of their sexual identity but also a romantic identity, such as heteroromantic, homoromantic or biromantic. Alongside this, many identify as aromantic – having very little or no romantic attraction to others, regardless of whether they have sexual attraction.

The second key idea is that asexuality is a spectrum, which can include a number of identities within this. This ranges from people with no sexual attraction at all through to people who experience limited sexual attraction – known as “grey asexuality”. One of the more commonly used terms is demisexuality, which tends to refer to those who don’t experience sexual attraction until they’ve formed a strong emotional connection with someone – this is the way I identify. There’s also a recognition that sexuality is fluid and people’s sexual attraction can grow or fade, with some people who identify as asexual recognising this within their own identity.

AVEN – the Asexual Visibility and Education Network – is a good starting point for finding out more. Other useful sources are GLAAD, the Trevor Project and Stonewall. 6 April this year was the first ever International Asexuality Day. To mark the occasion Stonewall published an article on the best ways to be an ally for asexual people, which I’d highly recommend.

My experiences
I experienced very little attraction towards people throughout my teens and early 20s. Having grown up in the South Wales valleys, where the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend is typically established as early as primary school, I felt I never quite fitted in, although I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. I’d often conform to the expectations of people around me by feigning an awkward questions.

By the time I was in my early 20s, my feelings had barely shifted, and learning about asexuality seemed to answer a lot of questions for me. I was more settled in my identity and felt less alone, although I still felt out of place in a society where sex and sexual feelings is part of everyday culture. However, from the age of 24, I started to experience more feelings of attraction, which for a while left me more confused. For a few years, I outwardly identified as heterosexual, but never felt entirely at ease with it -while my feelings had changed a little, it still felt as if I wasn’t experiencing things in the same way as others. I questioned myself, my past and present experiences, and whether I’d got it wrong all along.

However, over time, it became clear to me that while I do experience romantic feelings, genuine sexual attraction is still very rare for me and usually relies heavily on a strong personal connection. I did more research into discussions around asexuality and identities within it and began to gain more of an understanding of myself and what it means to identify as asexual. I realised that I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I do, and that identifying on the asexuality spectrum is ultimately what I feel most comfortable with – in a big step for me, earlier this year I changed my sexual orientation on my work records, listed it as my identity on the national census, and even bought some asexual flags to give my house some colour!

While I’m more settled in my own identity, there are still challenges. There remains a lack of understanding of asexuality within society, and this can show up in a number of areas. While I consider myself a very open person, “coming out” about my identity can be awkward as it does rely on people knowing what asexuality is, while dating and discussions around sex can be tricky to negotiate.

To that end, I want to try and be an ambassador for asexuality and the ace community to help raise awareness and dispel any confusion or lingering scepticism that some people have. If anyone has any questions, please feel free to drop me a line.